


You Have a Gross Feeling About Yourself

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Humanstuck, M/M, actually this is vaguely based on kin memories, im kin with dave strider sup how you feel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5193815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and you don't want to go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i really suck at writing and shouldn't be allowed to have this account

You really don’t want to go home right now, so you wait behind the school and smoke a cigarette. You use your phone for entertainment, but all you do is blog. You wonder if Bro will be home tonight, you sure as hell hope not. 

Your battery starts running low, and you start running home.  
It’s 8:30 PM, and you don’t want to go inside yet. Bro is probably going to yell at you again and you really can’t tell if you care anymore.   
You open the door and walk in, you can see him sitting on the couch with the tv on, but you ignore him. Instead, you head straight to your room, eating isn’t that important anyways.   
The time it took you to notice that you were waiting for him to open your door to start a fight was about three minutes, he never did open your door. Ten minutes pass and you decide to leave your room to see what’s up. Turns out, he’s asleep on the couch.   
Knowing this good news, you head straight for the small kitchen and grab a bag of chips off the counter. The kitchen will never see that bag again, most likely. For the next hour, you eat chips and use your laptop for useless hobbies.   
You end up falling asleep around two in the morning, listening to the mixes that you spent hours working on. 

 

You feel like shit as soon as you wake up, Bro is gone already so you have the place to yourself this morning, score. But the celebrating must wait because at the moment, your chest aches, you’re not supposed to sleep with your binder on. 

You walk into the kitchen, looking into the fridge. Nothing but beer and milk, you grab the milk and make you a bowl of cereal. There was a note on the counter from Bro.   
“I’ll be home early bringing groceries home, don’t be alarmed ~ Dirk.”  
You trash it. 

You change into new clothes so it looks like you actually took care of yourself but in all honesty, you haven’t taken a shower in a full week. You’re really gross.   
At school, people pick on you not just because you wear shades all of the time but because you’re trans as well. What a beautiful world to be trans in, am I right?   
You grab your bag and head out the door, headphones on to block out all the ringing. 

 

Jade Harley happens to be the only friend you have at school, she’s known you from day one of this school year. She brought it up a few days after school had started about being in all the same classes all day. You were even in her gym class, you refused to participate in that class and she understood your reasoning. 

After third period you and her go to lunch, you have the earliest lunch out of all three of them.   
But as you’re sitting with her at lunch, she asks you this question, “hey, Dave, do you know Karkat?”  
You don’t think you’ve ever heard that name before, or maybe you have but you just don’t pay attention to anybody but her.   
“No, never heard of that name before.”  
“I think you two have a lot in common and I enjoy hanging out with the both of you, so how do you feel about making new friends?”  
You never like talking to other people but Jade. But, if Jade gets along with him then sure, you’ll try it out. You nod and Jade gives you her big smile. You love that smile.   
You also think you might like her, you’re really scared to tell her that, though. 

In science, you partner up with Jade. The whole class is doing a projects again but she usually does all the work. You feel bad about that but she said not to worry about it, science is her thing. The only reason you’re passing that class is because of her. You’re glad to have met her. 

When the last school bell rings, you get a text to go to the back entrance of the school, the one you usually use to get into the school.   
You wait at the meeting place and Jade walks up with her other friend, Karkat. He has a really weird name. You make eye contact with him for a full minute.  
His skin is a little lighter than Jades.   
His hair is Brownish Red.   
He looks kind of angry, he might just be angry with this whole having to meet you. 

“Karkat, this is Dave. Dave, this is Karkat. I was hoping the two of you could be friends!”  
Karkat stuck his hand out, this is actually really awkward.  
“‘Sup. Wanna build a friendship,” you asked.  
You don’t know how to talk to other people, you really hope Jade told him that beforehand.   
“Yes, Jade has convinced me to ‘build a friendship’ with you.”   
His voice was light but boyish altogether.   
Jade takes a few steps back.   
“I hope you two have fun! I have to go now though, Bec is probably really hungry!”

Bec was her huge dog. 

His jacket was two sizes too big.   
Same for you as well.   
“What do you want to do? A little warning though, we cannot go back to my house, I left my keys at home and no one is there at the moment.” 

Huh... Sure.

Yeah! Sure, Bro can’t do shit if you have a friend over! With a little smirk on your face, you tell him, “we can go to my apartment and watch something there.”   
He agrees with you and you push the door open for him.   
He walks out with you and he talks about the romances he’s watched recently. You pretend to be interested at first then actually got interested, it turns out to be a full blown out conversation.

 

You live on the top floor, which means 90 flights of stairs and you’re scared to death of the elevator. Normally you would climb the stairs but Karkat would probably be really mad at you about that whole ordeal so you suck it up and click the button for the elevator to come to the ground floor.  
“Which floor do you live on,” he asked you.  
“90, we can take the stairs if you prefer walking.”  
“Nah, I’m good,” he tells you.

 

The elevator takes about two minutes before it opens, you and him both walked out of the elevator and walk to the end of the hall. You unlock the door and walk in, Bro is in the kitchen.   
He turns around, probably going to yell too but he saw that you were with someone.

“Who’s that, Delilah?”  
“I’m building the friendship blocks, we’re going to watch tv in my room.”  
He nods, he’s going to yell at you whenever Karkat leaves. He likes to yell at you.   
He blames you for the death of your own parents, mom died giving birth to you and Rose and dad died before he could see his own children. He blames you and Rose both, he blames a lot of people for things they didn’t do, he never does anything wrong. 

 

Your laptop is still where you left it. You wake it from the screen saver and it’s still on Tumblr.   
“What’s with your bro? He calls you by Delilah, are you not out yet?”  
Jade probably told him this shit, you’re sweating bullets right now. Play it cool.  
“I h-haven’t told him yet b-but he’s probably figured it out and he’s not liking it one bit.”  
He seems kind of sad when he hears that.   
“Oh, I’m sorry. I forget that people are not as supportive as my parents are.”  
“Okay, so I’m picking up the hints and clues and shit so I’m guessing you’re trans too. Jade told you about me but I’ve only heard about you today.”  
“You’re a good detective, Dave. Yeah, I’m trans as well,” he reveals his binder too you and you show him your makeshift one. You don’t have the money for a real one.   
You look side to side and then decide to ask the really important question.  
“What’s your pronouns?”  
“He/him, same as yours. What do you want to do?”  
“Watch some of the movies you talked about on the way over, if you don’t mind.”  
His face lights up and he nods, you give him complete control over your computer, you’ve never seen someone so excited. You guess no one ever seems interested in the stuff he likes.  
After about three hours, he said he had a ride outside and he had to go home. It made you a little sad because you didn’t get to finish the movie. You refuse to finish it without him.  
You know Bro is probably going to come straight for you once he knows Karkat is far enough away. 

Your door opens quite suddenly.   
“Delilah, your room smells like cigarette smoke. Why the hell are you smoking again after I worked so hard to get you off that shit?”  
You were right.  
“Not like you care, you want to see me dead. Don’t you?”  
He doesn’t reply, the silence usually means yes.   
“Your grades are horrible,” he starts. “You’re not going to be able to make it out into the real world at this rate because how awful your doing.”  
You learned to stop talking back a long time ago.  
“You should get a job too, you’re sixteen for fucksakes.”  
He always brings this shit up, you consider telling him that you still have a month before you’re sixteen but decide not to.   
“What about a boyfriend? When will you have one of those? You probably don’t have one because your lack of hygiene.”  
The room goes silent,”what’s the point if you’re not going to listen anyways,” he leaves the room. 

You want to kill yourself but not today, another day maybe. You go to the roof and sit up there and smoke.  
You want to cry but for some reason it has become harder and harder to cry these days. Your phone buzzes, you got an ask on Tumblr. 

Transenemy asks: 817-XXX-XXX (because im not clever enough to think up of a number)  
You enter his number into your phone.

hey


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories put you in a horrible mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who hates life

_You remember the first time you got your phone, it was only because Dirk was in a good mood._  
 _The first person you messaged was Roxy, your older sister._  
 _Dirk did not know that you went through his phone to get that number, and if he found out, he would probably hit you again._  
  
_\-----_  
  
_Roxy was the nicest person you have ever talked to in your life._  
 _She thought the way you typed was cute since you were ten and wasn’t sure on what you were supposed to talk about. At thirteen, Dirk got you a new phone for your birthday._  
 _Yeah, sometimes he was nice._  
  
_Sometimes Bro would hit you and you got bruises but you were really good at hiding._  
  
_You remember the time where he hit you for talking shit about christians._  
  
_He doesn't hit you anymore because he realized that it was wrong._  
 _Your life became a whole lot easier without having to deal with all the physical pain._  
  
_Bro forced you to go to church a lot._  
 _You honestly fucking hate him for it._

 _Bro could never get you to clean your room, though._  
  _Bro could never get you to get in the shower daily._  
  _Bro could never get you to do laundry._  
  _Bro could never get you to use the elevator instead of the stairs because that fucking elevator._  
_One of your neighbors told you about how it dropped and killed everyone in it._  
_He told you about their ghosts still being there._  
_You know he was spewing bullshit but you don’t want to risk falling to your death._

 _You started smoking at age 14, you honestly felt like it relieved a lot of stress and it was your coping skill for the time being._  
_Yeah, you admit that your hurt yourself and Bro noticed._  
_You remember when you were walking to the kitchen, he grabbed your arm and he pulled you towards him so he could look._  
_“Take care of it, don’t let it get infected.”_  
_You nodded and that’s all that was said that day._  
_You miss the Bro that loved you and took care of you at age five through seven because you remember those times._

 _You’re such a sad sack Dave, go to bed._  
_Why are you reliving your memories, that’s unhealthy as fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you guess me? i hope you guessed me because that was the right answer  
> i changed it like a fuckton whoops


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your regret saying most of the things that were said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suffering for the whole family! batteries not included

i think everyone has a list of things that they want to do but know they cant  
well, yeah i have my own but whats your own?  
to cuss out my bro and maybe even slap him  
to tell someone i hardly know that i am someone that deserves death  
to tell jade that i think i like her but we all know that wont happen  
but were dating, delilah  
how could you do this to me, delilah?  
i meant like tell her that at one point i thought she was the love of my life  
i realized it was because she was the first friend that i have ever meant and ive never felt that kindness before  
can i continue my list now  
yeah.  
i had one but it was a thing i cant tell you so yeah  
hah yeah so yeah  
thats the end of my list  
please tell me!!!  
hell no  
deellilllaaah  
pleeeeeeeease  
hell no  
i dont trust you enough  
how could you not trust me?  
you're my girlfriend!  
fine  
my name is dave and im trans and im your boyfriend  
not your girlfriend  
im so sick and tired of female pronouns being pinned on me honestly  
.... why didn't you tell me this before we started dating, delilah?  
dave  
i don't date boys though so i dont think  
we can date now  
i'm sorry  
no i get it  
i knew i had no idea what to expect from someone like you  
dave can we please still be friends?  
maybe  
i just need to recover and if i still feel like being your friend then maybe  
just forget about me for now  
please don't do this, dave  
im sorry but im going to block you for the time being  
ill message you later hopefully

You're a terrible person for doing that to him. He didn't know till now and this is honestly all your fault.  
Though you're honestly doing this to hurt him but you're also doing it to hurt yourself.  
You're messaging Jade now.

your brother broke up with me  
because i was a trans dude and he thought i was a girl  
that's why he's blowing up my phone  
you can't ignore him forever, davey  
you can't ignore people when you're upset  
i can do that  
you just dont want me to do that  
are you okay, dave?  
you have never talked to me about this before  
because you are normally cheery and i dont feel like ruining you  
i think i need to run away for a little bit  
take a break  
would that be okay?  
no!!! you can't do that!! your brother will get worried and call the cops and you'll most likely get questioned for your motives!!!  
youre right  
then im going to bed then  
and sleep all weekend if you dont mind  
thatll be my way of taking a break  
maybe talking to karkat might help  
you said that helped once  
true  
maybe

You sit laying in your bed for multiple hours before having the courage to look at your phone again.  
No one has messaged you, you thought that Jade might inform Karkat but maybe she thinks you were actually going to tell him to begin with.  
You don't want to let her down, do you?

jade told me to talk to you because i feel shitty  
Are you okay?  
I don't know why she suggested me though, we only talk about shitty memes.  
because i told her that you make me feel better sometimes  
I do that? I guess that's good but what's wrong?  
i told john who was my boyfriend that i was a trans dude today  
he was dating me before i identified as a boy so i never got to tell him  
he broke up with me and suggested that we continued to be friends  
but  
i blocked him and told him that i would text him when i got over the heartache  
im so awful  
If talking to him at this moment makes you feel bad then maybe taking a break would be the best thing. The way you did it might seem kind of rude but you are doing what is best for you at the moment.  
that makes me feel a little less awful  
thank you  
You're welcome, I guess.  
If you want to get your mind off of things you can come over, I can send you the address to my house.  
yeah  
can we watch one of those romantic comedys you keep talking about  
i want to see if theyre as good as you have said them to be  
Of course they're fucking good, how could they not be good. I have watched all of the ones I owned and threw away the shitty one's, so there will be no shitty movies tonight.  
then im on my way

Later, you find out that his movies are kind of okay. They are stuck between okay and shitty, the limbo that every movie wishes to not be in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave hates himself but he knows hes got people there for him so yeah


End file.
